Wednesday, July 19, 2023
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Share a memory? How do you do that? How do you pick one out of years of them? My mind is spinning like a slot machine, spitting out so many pictures and frozen snapshots of time. Kik wear pants, broken toes and a cane, my first apartment, bong hits and electronic music, reading books and telling jokes, awkward silences and thousand yard stares. Watching you fall in love, watching you fall apart, watching you try to hold it all together for your family. Holding your daughter and then holding your son. Holding you. Holding space. Holding memories of a bunch of insanely cool college kids forming crystalline complicated bonds over a grate that blew smelly hot air. Watching those kids age into adults and struggle to stay connected. You introduced me to Nutella and drove me to get my first guinea pig and picked me up from the Greyhound in more than one state. We had long talks and short visits and time goes by so quickly but we always knew we could find friendship with the other whenever we got around to reaching out. I wish we had been better about talking more often. I wish you had reached out before you let go. I know you loved your kids more than anything and my heart hurts for them so much right now. You selfish asshole. I'm so mad at you right now. You got me standing at a bus stop alone, sobbing, wishing wishing wishing. That things were different. That I had reached out sooner. That I had messaged you when I installed Snapchat and it kept sending me notifications that you were on the app, to tease you about your avatar. Fuck Davey. I'm so sorry you felt so alone. So sorry you only saw this path illuminated. I still can't wrap my head around it that I won't ever get to 'see you next time I'm in PA.'. you're an a****** Davey jones and I love you so much. I will always Love you. And I'm going to try to take comfort in Vonnegut's imagining of time in slaughterhouse V, and think about how somewhere out there in the twisting timeline of existence, every moment we ever spent together is still happening and repeating itself and in this unstructured timeless existence, we're both happy and laughing and optimistic. we just told each other we loved each other and we hug and I'm just going to hold space in that moment periodically, and hope I see you there. Until I get to see you again Davey, I love you. You are and you were very loved. Feel free to swing by and say high sometime. You better watch over your kids and you better help me find stuff when I misplace it and haunt some republican assholes. You're not off the hook just because you're off this plane, mister. I hope you're finding freedom and happiness and answers to all your burning questions. And I can't wait to compare notes when the time comes. Crackpit Crew/Gringos Locos Forever, meng.
